


Acceptance

by luvxander



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-01
Updated: 2010-06-01
Packaged: 2017-10-09 20:58:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvxander/pseuds/luvxander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Giles is leaving Sunndale. Xander doesn't want to him to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acceptance

*He's leaving.*

*He's leaving us.*

*He's leaving ME.*

Xander stared down at the note in his hands, unshed tears blurred his vision but it didn't matter. He'd read the note about twenty times already and knew he'd see those words in his head a thousand more.

*Why would he leave? Doesn't he know how much we need him, now more than ever. Doesn't he know how much I need him, always?*

Xander closed his eyes as the first tear finally fell, smearing the ink on the paper. Gently, he placed the note back where he'd found it and backed away, slowly, as if it were a bomb about to explode.

His eyes now opened, wide and flowing, Xander slowly shook his head, trying to make himself believe it wasn't true. But it was too late. One short paragraph, just the first sentence, had shattered his life, torn the ground out from under him and sent him straight to a hell dimension.

It had begun by sharing their grief. The girl they'd both loved, one as a daughter, the other as a sister. That night, the night after they'd buried their heroine, they'd silently driven together to Giles' small apartment.

Giles had brought out a well aged bottle of single malt scotch, explaining that he'd been saving it to toast her wedding, and they'd shared and drowned their sorrows together.

When Xander had almost fallen asleep on Giles' shoulder, the older man had stood him up and guided him to the guest room, getting him laid out and covered, then headed toward his own bed. It had been Xander's choked screams that brought the watcher running and Giles had soothed him, brushing his hair back from his face, as he cried again.

Giles had sat and held him and let him cry until his tears ran dry. Then he'd silently rocked him back to sleep, murmuring nonsense words about how everything would be okay, that they would find a way to manage.

When he'd woken again a few hours later, he'd still been wrapped in Giles' arms, head burrowing into his bare chest. Quietly, trying not to wake him, he'd pulled away and, before thinking, placed a gentle kiss on the older man's cheek and whispered, "Thank you", before heading to the bathroom.

He'd been surprised to find Giles awake when he returned, tears leaking from sad, gray eyes. He was even more stunned, and a little embarrassed, when Giles said, "No, thank you".

They had never spoken of it, never even thought of it really. It wasn't a conscious decision on Xander's part that had him again curling up in Giles' lap, his head once again warmed against his strong chest. It had seemed perfectly natural when he'd placed another gentle kiss, this time above Giles' heart. Giles didn't complain or disapprove, so the younger man kissed again, just above the last. Again he waited to see if he would be rejected, but found only quiet acceptance.

Slowly, he'd trailed gentle kisses up Giles' chest, licking at the pulse he found at his throat. He dragged his tongue back up a slightly stubbled jaw line and licked at the older man's barely parted, soft lips.

Giles had groaned deep in the back of his throat and thrust out his own tongue, meeting Xander's and drawing it into his own, suddenly dry mouth. They both sat, Giles leaning back against the headboard and Xander curled up in his lap, for what seemed forever. Both were lost in their own worlds, minds totally blank, as their tongues lapped against each other.

Xander let one hand stroke against Giles' cheek, sliding over his time-worn throat to play with the hair that covered his chest. He twisted his fingers in the graying curls, tugging lightly, eliciting deep, pleasure filled groans from Giles, and continued on his path downward. He flicked a nail over one hardened nipple and rolled it between his fingers, smiling into Giles' mouth.

Xander spread his hand out as he crossed Giles' stomach, touching as much exposed flesh as he possibly could and clutched a handful of hair at the back of Giles' head as he deepened the kiss.

The older man moaned as Xander pulled back the waistband of Giles' sweats. It was when Xander wrapped his hand around Giles' pulsing erection that the older man pulled away, breaking the kiss.

"Xander, maybe we shouldn't..." Giles tried to push the younger man away, but Xander only lowered his head, fastening his lips on the hollow between Giles' collarbone and rubbing his thumb across the weeping head of the cock in his grip.

"No! Xander, stop!" Giles finally managed to break Xander's hold on him and pull out from beneath the young man. "We...we can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry." Giles turned and left the room, leaving Xander behind, confused and upset.

Angry with himself, Xander had dressed and left before Giles came out of the bathroom. He was sure he'd done something wrong, something to make Giles not want him. He'd spent a few days visiting the library downtown and on the internet, reading everything he could find on gay sex to find out what he'd done to make himself unwanted. Then he'd spent two weeks battling Giles' adamant refusals to discuss the occurrence before finally breaking down one day when they were alone in the Magic Box.

He'd begged, pleaded for Giles to give him a chance. When Giles had only looked at him with a softly whispered no and moved across the room, he'd cried. He'd turned toward the retreating figure and in a raspy, tear strained voice, asked, "Was it something I did? Or am I just that disgusting?"

Giles stopped, turning a horrified face on the boy. "No, never that." He'd quickly crossed back over to Xander, taking the boy's face in his hands. "You are one of the best things in my life, and that is why I had to stop. You, my beautiful boy, didn't do anything wrong. It was me, I never should have let it go that far."

Xander was at a loss for words. So many things were going through his mind that he couldn't grasp any of them. "Why?"

Giles looked deeply into Xander's dark eyes, seeing the void that begged for answers. He sighed and smiled sadly. "Because I wanted it so badly to be true, I was afraid I'd wake up afterwards and it would only have been a dream."

Xander reached up to stroke a hand down Giles' face. "But it wasn't a dream. I wanted you too, I still do. We can be together, for real, if only you'll let me in." Xander's voice strained with emotion. He leaned forward, capturing Giles' lips with his own. The kiss was gentle, almost chaste, but he managed to convey many emotions with just that one press of his lips. Pulling back, he looked into Giles' wide eyes. "Just let me in."

With a shiver he didn't attempt to suppress, Giles pulled Xander to him, claiming his lips in a much less innocent kiss. It had been the beginning of the best relationship Xander had ever been in.

*Until now.* His mind threw the thought at him, causing him to double over as his stomach cramped in pain. *I can't lose him, not now, not ever.*

Pulling his keys from his pocket, he ran from the store and threw himself into his car. Tires squealing, Xander pulled the car out into the street, nearly running a red light in his haste, but managing to stop before running down an old lady crossing the street. The frustrated young man tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, mentally cursing at everyone that got in his way during the trip to the airport. He screeched to a halt outside the entrance, not caring that he'd come back to a ticket, and ran inside, searching the crowd for the familiar tweed covered shoulders.

He spotted Giles sitting in one of the hard plastic chairs at the New York gate and hurried toward him, stopping just at the edge of the crowd to stare at the man he'd come to love. Giles wasn't the carefree man he'd tried so hard to portray himself as the last few months, the man Xander saw looked every one of his years, and then some. He had tears falling from his eyes as he pretended to read a fashion magazine.

Xander slipped up behind him, sliding on his knees into the chair facing the opposite direction from Giles and placed his hands on tensed shoulders. "So, you were just going to leave? No goodbye, no fuck you, no nothing?" Xander tried to keep anger out of his voice, tried to keep all emotion out, but he failed. All his emotions had always been easily read in his voice. He trembled all over, scared and lost without Giles. "Did you even think of what this would do to us?" *To me?*

Giles had looked up at the touch on his shoulders and now he turned so that he could look into Xander's eyes. He faltered at the look of anger and pain in the young man's eyes, tempted to let Xander make everything better, to take him home and just be with him. But he'd already thought all of that through and knew there wasn't a future for them here. "Xander, I'm sorry. This is something I must do. You all don't really need me, Willow is better at the research than I, Anya is bubbling over with happiness at having the shop to herself. And you..."

Xander broke into his speech. "I what? You going to tell me I don't need you? That I shouldn't? Well, don't. You've said it all before, and you know it isn't true. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you so much, Giles. I've never been as happy as I have been for the past few months." He let his eyes convey the truth of what he said, pouring his soul out through them. "Please don't leave me."

Giles stood, circling around the row of seats to take Xander's hand. He pulled the younger man to the side, away from the flow of traffic, and gently stroked his cheek. With tears shining in his eyes he placed their clasped hands over his heart. "No, I'm not going to try to tell you that you don't need me. I was going to say that perhaps I need you too much. You have your whole life ahead of you, while mine is half over. To steal your youth away like that would be the greatest of cruelties. I just can't bring myself to do that to you. You can still get married, have children."

Xander had a nearly wild look in his eyes as he tried to pull away, but found himself held firm. "But don't you see, without you I don't have a life to live. I would rather have a few moments with you than immortality with anyone else." Finally succeeding in pulling his hand away, Xander paced back and forth before Giles, his head full of questions and doubts, until he seemed to land on the answer. "Take me with you. I can go to England with you, and we can be together. There's nothing to hold me here. My family hates me, Anya and I are barely even roommates anymore, the only one I'd miss would be Willow, but she'd understand. Please? I can't be here without you."

Giles grabbed hold of Xander's shoulders, searching his eyes, and with a small smile asked, "Are you sure this is what you want? To be tied to an old man, for the rest of his life?"

"More than I've ever wanted anything. I've got my passport in the car, I started keeping it there with the whole Glory thing, in case we needed to make a run for it. It won't take me anytime to get it. I don't need anything else. Just you."

Giles stroked a hand down Xander's cheek again. "Then go and get it. I'll leave a message for Willow, let her know that you're with me and not to worry."

Xander raced away, turning at the last moment to look back at Giles, he smiled to see the older man watching him and ran out of the airport. Grabbing his passport from the glove box in his car, he stopped a moment, thinking over the last few months and where they'd led him. He had been telling the truth when he told Giles he couldn't live without him. Without Giles, he wouldn't want to live, and here in Sunnydale, not wanting to live is a dangerous way to be. With a final shake of his head, he locked up the car, leaving it where it was illegally parked, and ran back to Giles.

He was going home.


End file.
